(With a big nod to my great friend and mentor, Jonathon Swift, whose “A Modest Proposal” to that great Nation Britain, that the solution to the “Irish” problem was to eat Irish babies, inspired this effort. For those confused, it was “sarcasm.”)
The USA is dropping so many bombs around the world 24/7/365, one about every 12 minutes, that we are in danger of “running out” of conventional bombs. This is unacceptable, as without American bombing we will simply not be regarded as properly “exceptional” by the world community. Our respect as the “Leader of the Free World” will decline. Such an outcome cannot be tolerated. If it is, before you know it, our enemies will have the temerity to mock our power.
Fortunately, a simple solution exists. The USA has an excess of nuclear bombs! And why have them if you can’t use them? That is absurd. And the USA is spending a Trillion dollars to build “more and more usable” nuclear bombs. So clearly, the pipeline is full.
A recent study by scientists at Michigan Technological University and Tennessee State University published in the journal Safety indicates the use of 100 thermonuclear weapons is sufficient to probably cause nuclear winter and end most human life on earth. The authors conclude there is no “pragmatic” reason for any nation to maintain more than 100. US Trident II missiles are carried by 14 US Ohio and four British Vanguard-class submarines, with 24 missiles on each Ohio class and 16 missiles on each Vanguard class, with each missile containing 8 independently targetable warheads. Thus, a single Ohio class Trident represents 192 thermonuclear detonations (approximately 1,000 times more powerful than Hiroshima, each).
Clearly, the USA has no shortage of nuclear bombs. And, we need to get rid of some of the old ones laying around to make way for our “more and more usable” nukes so they don’t all get crowded in some abandoned Walmart because we have nowhere to house them. That is simply not the dignified behavior of a world Empire.
The answer to our border problem is staring us in the face. Not only can we solve that problem but we will simultaneously give an assist to our military by making room for new nukes while taking the pressure off the endangered supply of conventional bombs essential to our exceptionalism.
We detail a single Trident II sub, using maybe a single missile, and its eight war heads to take out the refugee equivalent of the “Ho Chi Minh Trail” threading its way from Central America through Mexico to terminate that route being used by enemies of America to eat away at the foundations of our great nation. Not only will the current threat be eliminated in a “fire and fury” the likes of which the world has never seen (we’ll show them!) but a quasi-permanent “wall” of radioactive pollution will render the trail uninhabitable (or traversable) for maybe 25,000 years before the radiation subsides sufficiently for humans to cross it. In fact, it will also remove the need for many of the tariffs being imposed on Mexico as well. This is just a tangential benefit of this “Modest Proposal.”
It seems clear to me that no clear-eyed, battle-hardened, red-blooded American could oppose this “Modest Proposal.” They are coming for your freedoms. Are you with us, or against us? Isn’t it about time we stopped messing around with laws, and judges and due process and get the job done? No more Mr. Nice Guy! Hail Caesar!
Kary Love is a Michigan attorney who has defended nuclear resisters, including some desperado nuns, in court for decades and will on occasion use blunt force satire or actual legal arguments to make a point.